If You Can’t Beat ‘em then Join ‘em!

So you want to be the “cool” Mom or Dad among your kids’ friends? Know about your kids friends, first. In the 90s’, there would be teenage fights. The dreaded age was thirteen, and not just because it is an unlucky number. 13 would come with piercings, tattoos and nights out. But kids learn faster these days, it seems. Now it is the tweens! Yes, you got that right. A tween is a pre-teen, and now it seems that the famous teen problems start early. So what do you do? Locking them up wont help, they will climb out of the window or something. Taking away the cell phone won’t do much; your kids will meet their friends in school.

Are you worried about those “cool dudes” your kids are hanging out with? Glaring at them every time they drop by to meet your kid really won’t help. Also telling your kids that “honey, that boy/girl is bad news” is plain silly. Your child will probably nod seriously and then go giggle about it on Facebook with that same “boy/girl”. Don’t panic its simple. If you can’t beat the system, then join the system!

In her book “Nobody Likes Me, Everybody Hates Me: The Top 25 Friendship Problems and How to Solve them”, Dr. Michele Borba says that one must be “kid-friendly”. Make the house kid friendly, she says.

The times they are a-changing, as Bob Dylan said over fifty years back. And they still are, so you got to change along with them. Don’t be relieved if your son does not bring his punk friends over. In fact, that is a sure shot sign of him being uncomfortable about parental presence.  

Different Is Good, Not Alien 

Try and get to know your baby and the friends he has. Talk to their parents, and more importantly talk to them. Call them over and host a party. Don’t overdo the friendly bit though. Asking a few casual questions like, “so what music do you like?” or “what hobbies do you have?” is fine. Don’t start with the usual parental corny nonsense like “What do you want to be when you grow up?” or “How much did you score in the last math assignment?” No way are you the cool Mom after that! Invite their parents over coffee and bond with them. It is essential to know what value systems your child’s friends are coming from.

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On a public forum recently, a Muslim mother living in the U.S voiced her concern about her children visiting friends belonging to other faiths. Personally she had no problem but members of her community felt that she should restrict her kids’ friends to Muslims only. Her standpoint of letting her kids mingle with those of other faiths and communities was strongly supported by others on the forum. That is how it should be. Remember that if you are narrow minded and bigoted, your kids might end up the same way.

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If you think that your family has a different set of values, it doesn’t mean you start cribbing to your kid about the “bad” friends that he has. That will be the worst faux pas ever! Try and explain to your kids that they come from a different background as compared to their friends. Both you and your kid must appreciate the difference and not reject it.

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Some folks try and overdo it. Remember that no matter how cool you are, there is always a certain distance that you will have to maintain. Don’t try and act like a teen when you are heading for middle age. Kids can sense a wannabe from a mile. Be friendly, yet firm.  

The Best Friends Forever Phase 

Research proves that ten year olds and above start developing complex friendships. This is the time when you will hear about the “best friends”.

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If you have seen all the horror movies then you know what kind of an impact a “best friend” has on a child. Woes betide if that friend comes in with blue hair and a pierced eyebrow. Don’t die of shock if you see your baby’s lovely brown hair resemble some failed chemical experiment the next day! Remember that your kid will never have someone like an ideal friend. Your finicky parent mind will always find some fault. The best friend comes with even more power over your kid than you do. So what do you do?

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This kid comes with the scary power of making or breaking your child. If you scare him/her away, your kid will find other ways of keeping in touch. In the day and age of social networking, anything is possible. This is where you have to exercise tact. Instead of throwing out the best friend, befriend the enemy. Include your kid’s friend in your life. Invite him for dinner or ice cream. Also, try and rid your mind of the common prejudices that parents have.

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For god’s sake, blue hair need not necessarily mean a black heart! Try and see what kind of person your child’s friend is. Keep and open mind. Even then if you are convinced that the friend is bad news, then talk to your kid about it. Do NOT lecture. Use examples and appeal to his rationale. If that does not work, then leave it to the best teacher of all, experience. Sometimes, kids need to discover and learn on their own. Let them go and figure it out. All you have got to do is stand by for the time and see where your child is going. Be in the background but be there when he or she needs you.

If you want your kids to be your friends, befriend their friends first!